I present to you, a conundrum.

I've written a million times about names, the importance and significance of names, and the future I likely have as Chaviva E. The web world knows me as Chavi, and when I say the web world, I mean bloggers across the blog-o-sphere, people on Yelp (a review site I take part in), and even most recently I was featured on a Chicago Jew site with this moniker, meant to be permanent.

When I meet new people from the interweb in person (such as at Yelp events or when meeting friends of people on the web who know me via my blog or another blog), I'm always asked how I got my name, what it means, why I use it. I always explain that it means the same thing as my given name, which leaves the questioner wondering what the deal is with the given name. It's then that I explain that Chavi is my Hebrew name, which I chose, and that at some point will become my "permanent" name. I usually get funny looks, but it typically surpasses the whole "listen, I'm a convert" bit, not to mention usually gets a nod and a "Well, that's a beautiful name." And we call it a day.

And until now, I haven't had anyone say flat out that they REFUSE to call me Chavi.

See, there are those (family, exes, friends from the past) who will always know me as Amanda and will probably call me as such, and that's just fine. No problem at all. But most of those who are still very close to me (in the friend category) and understand and respect my choices are more than happy to integrate Chavi into their lexicon. One of my closest chums started calling me Chavi on his own accord, and it means the world to me. There are those on Yelp who knew me first as Amanda and then as Chavi and they flip back and forth, but are always careful to say "Which do you prefer?" and then go by that.

But today, someone essentially said they refuse to call me Chaviva. This person, ironically, is a Jew.

It seems that lately I've run into several Jews who just can't handle me. I'm too much Jew, I'm over-Jew-ing it. I'm Jew Jew Jew all the time. I was even accused of trying to convert the masses (what the hell?).

Now, when it comes down to it, I really don't care. I don't need every Jew on the planet to accept me, and I guess if my biggest problem right now is one Jew refusing to call me by my chosen, Hebrew name, then I'm doing pretty good.

I just wish I could understand why this person, who at one time welcomed me as a member of the tribe and treated me with the same respect as others, suddenly is unable to call me Chavi.

EDIT: So here's what this Jew has to say to me, flat out, in a public forum.

"Amanda, sorry, you'll never be jewish no matter how hard you try. I don't care if you change your name legally. I don't care if you go to shul every friday for the rest of your life. I don't care if you keep strict kosher rules. I really just don't care. You'll never be jewish. It's just not going to happen. It's not in your blood. Furthermore, I'm really just sick and tired of your holier-than-thou attitude."

Someone explain to me how people are allowed to keep their Jew card with this attitude? This person is just as bad as the ultra-Orthodox Jew who denies my Jewishness, except this person is on the other end of the spectrum. People never cease to amaze me in their ignorance, and they will eat the words they spew one of these days.

A brief interlude for music and words.

"I'm packing heat like the oven door." -- Jay Z

I'm attempting to look at rappers as poets, in the fashion of Tupac, if that makes sense. On my way in this morning I was listening to one of the many mixes that a Yelper put together of tunes that members of the Yelp-o-Sphere were listening to. Among these are lots of hardcore angry metal tunes, which to be frank I can't even bring myself to listen to. I don't see any musical value in them, nor can I really muster the patience to try. There's some Dragonforce and Dolly Parton ("Jolene") not to mention plenty of new "indie" rock and classic indie music. And then there is plenty of rap and I guess what you'd call hip hop by artists like Jay Z. I find it hard to listen to a lot of that type of music because of the prevalence of the "n" word.

Listen, as a grammarian and amateur etymologist, I don't believe in this whole "reclaiming words" business. Yes, language grows and changes and words take on colloquial meanings. New words are added to the lexicon and old words fade away. There's the old adage that "When I say a word, it means what I choose it to mean," or something to that effect, and my father used to spout that off frequently. Yet when I would say a word without knowing its meaning and dad would ask me what I thought it meant and I replied "I don't know," he'd insist I go look it up. I usually didn't, though. It was a rebellious act of a young wordsmith. But in my experience, in a single generation or two, words don't change their meanings.

In 500 years, the "n" word might fade into oblivion, left in old dictionaries never to be seen, read, or heard again. In truth, I'd prefer this route for the word, not to mention for words like "k*ke" and "c*nt" and "d*ke." The latter two, of course, have been embraced by the women's movements and the lesbian community. They've "reclaimed" the words, making them empowering -- not harmful or derogatory. But aren't there still those who use these words in the very way that ARE hurtful? The words themselves can be found in the dictionary with general definitions, but the colloquial usage has transformed them into words of hate and words of empowerment. It's like the word "queer" -- the GLBT community embraced the term, they say, and are proud to call themselves queer. But there's most definitely a difference in the types of people who call themselves "queer" versus those who call themselves "gay" or "lesbian." There's still a stigma with the word, and in many circles the word is still derogatory and full of hate.

The word "k*ke" is not used so much anymore, and it is said to have derived from Ellis Island. The story goes that Jews were supposed to sign with an X, like all new arrivals, but since it resembled the cross too much, they'd draw a circle. The German word (I think it was German) for circle is kikel or something of the sort, and thus the officers at Ellis Island began calling Jews "k*ke." It evolved, hate fell behind it, and now it's a word of oppresion. I'm reading the book "Generation J," and I have to say I find the book pretty distressing and self-centered. The author discusses the reclaiming of words and thinks, Why can't Jews reclaim the word? What a stupid idea.

So back to where I started -- the "n" word. I can't even type it. I find it easier to type the other words than I do the "n" word. I'm not sure why, but when I hear it, or see it, it says to me "HATE" in big, bold, angry, black letters. It screams of slavery and oppression and hate; pure, vile, violent hate. I've never understood the desire for the black community to "reclaim" the word. I don't know why you wouldn't just want it to fade away, to be left to the annals of a horrible time in history like slavery. For there is a difference between remembering and reliving and in my mind, everytime the word is uttered, it's reliving that anger and oppression. It's better to remember; it's wiser, at that.

But I'm giving Jay Z a shot. And it's phrases like that which I wrote above -- "I'm packing heat like the oven door" -- said with a rhythm and poetry that strikes me as worth listening to. It's a simple phrase, but it's quite beautiful in its poetic quality. So for now, I'm giving rap a chance, though I cringe at every utterance of the "n" word. I just can't help it.

On a different, yet related note, thanks to Melanie, here's a new video from Mates of State, who have an album coming out in May. It's good stuff, so give it a watch.

A Vocabulary Lesson.

Listen, Pesach doesn't mean Passover. Passover means Passover and Pesach derives from the word "pe" for mouth and "sach," which means to converse.

Pesach, thus means the mouth that speaks. This is emblematic of the holiday in general, as it is a festival of freedom and only the free have the ability to speak freely from the mouth.

Capiche? Capiche.

EDIT: Okay, I suppose I should issue you some sources, right? You can find information about this on any of these: Hagshama.org, Rabbi Mordechai Gafni also writes about this here, as well as in a piece by the OU that can be found here. Pesach is noted in m-w.com as first appearing in 1613, and Passover is dated to 1530. Thanks for suggesting I post some sources, David!