The Hair That's There: You Can Never Go Back

So I know you're all wondering: What gives on the hair-uncovering, Chavi? My most-read posts on this blog are in the vein of hair-covering and mikvah and all things involving shomer negiah, so it must seem weird that I uncovered when we all know that even divorced women are supposed to continue covering their hair, right?

Also, I know that it might come as a shock to some that I uncovered so soon after receiving my get. Around 1 p.m. on September 21, the get was given, and I walked away an unmarried woman according to Jewish law. (I'll write about the ceremony itself, so consider this a "to be continued.") I know of some women who throw off their sheitel or hat or tichel immediately as they walk out of the room, but I couldn't do that. I was still undecided about my uncovering. I got a boost of confidence and support, however, from the rabbi who headed up the beth din (rabbinical court) of the get ceremony. After he shared some very kind words about me (which could go either way for boosting the convert's self-esteem -- ask me if you want to hear the story), I mentioned that I knew Rav Moshe Feinstein's ruling on a divorced woman's hair-covering, but I know that there are leniencies. My query was based on the following:

[Rav Feinstein] is concerned for the divorcée who needs to get on with her life. In one text, he gives a divorced woman permission to uncover her hair for dating purposes (IM EH 4:32.4). The young woman wants to be able to meet men for matrimonial purposes. She is afraid that a head covering will automatically indicate that she is currently married. Rabbi Feinstein is persuaded that her motive is legitimate and so allows her to remove her head covering. But, he warns, there are conditions. She must inform the man as soon as possible that she is divorced. He will not allow her to mislead a man just to dispel an incorrect first impression so that she might eventually marry. 

The rabbi, impressed with my citation of Rav Feinstein, said, "You're young, you have no kids, you're relocating to a new community, and you want to remarry, yes?" I responded yes to all and he advised to uncover as necessary. 

So here I am, uncovering my hair. It took me a few days, until that following Sunday, actually. After having hacked my hair off a few times during September, I was in need of a serious shape-up haircut. I pulled into Lincoln, Nebraska, checked into my hotel, and went to get a haircut. When I got up that day, I showered and debated whether to cover on the way to the hair-cutting place, but just grabbed a hat and shoved it in my purse -- just in case it didn't feel right. I walked out into the cool Nebraska morning, sun beating down on my freed tresses, and for a split second I felt a freedom, a release, like I was reclaiming my independence, my personality, my happiness. 

But it was fleeting, as all things are. 

I went to the cuttery, showed a picture of my hair from before I got married, and said, "Can we do this, please?" After she was done, I felt that feeling of freedom again. Like, I'm back to the old me! Huzzah! But again, fleeting. I went home to see my family for the first time since May, and I think they were happy to see the hair open and free -- I'm not sure they ever got the whole hair-covering thing to begin with. I toyed with grabbing the hat from my purse and covering up, just to feel a little bit like the married me again, but realized that just as mucha as I couldn't go back to my old haircut, I couldn't go back to covered, married me. 

Who am I? Maybe I just need a new 'do. 

It's funny how much our hair controls our feelings and who we are. It feels horribly wrong, too. It feels shallow and vain. 

So I wake up every day and look in the mirror and let out a huge, heaving sigh because I have to do something with this hair that no longer expresses who I am but that I have anyway. I want to grow it out, to get a cute bob or something, like my dream sheitel, but that's going to take time, and growing hair out when it's been short is a huge pain in the tuches. 

Or maybe I won't grow it. Maybe I'll give up and when winter rolls around go back to my most favorite knit hats that I sported all winter last year, when I was married. I do know several women who were uncovering for months only to start covering again after realizing the same thing I did.

You can never go back. 

G-d willing, I'll get married in the right time and get back to hair covering, a place that I feel is home now. Who woulda thunk it, eh? 

**Most Popular Posts of All-Time in order:

• Taking the (Hair) Plunge
• Modesty, Shomer Negiah, and Me
• Swallowed Up in the Mikvah
• The Mikvah is Lost on Me
• (And a few bumps down:) Covering Your Hair: Leprous Plague

The Tzniut Project 23: A Walking Art Gallery

This is the 23rd in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.I describe myself as Yeshivish to Yeshivish lite. Meaning, I definitely fit in the Yeshivish box, but I also surf the 'net (obviously), watch a little Hulu, Netflix, whatever, read secular books. Basically, I'm open to secular culture, but I wouldn't say I'm Modern Orthodox.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?Modesty was definitely NOT something I grew up with. My mom (who is great, for the record) would walk around with nothing on. At all. Thankfully, she no longer does that. I did happen to wear a lot of skirts growing up, but that's just because I liked them. I also liked tube tops and strapless dresses, so there you go.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?I'm married. My husband likes it when I dress all "shtarked up," with a button-up blouse or blazer. Thankfully, he also likes it when I wear trendier outfits, but I think I get more compliments from him when my clothes are more tznuah, less form-fitting. He doesn't put any pressure on me one way or another. [Shtark = looking very religious]

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?Weekdays I typically wear comfortable, casual but fashionable clothes. T-shirts, some button-ups (never tucked in though, it never looks right on me), sweaters in the winter, and I basically alternate between five or six skirts, all comfortable. That's a big thing for me, to find clothes which look stylish but that I can move around freely in, and that I don't worry about the kids getting them messy.

I do dress up more for Shabbos, with fancier button-ups, blazers, skirts and shoes. I reserve these clothes only for Shabbos, Yom Tov and Rosh Chodesh. For me, not wearing them during the week gives them a reserved status, so even if the actual article of clothing isn't so fancy, it still feels special when I wear it. When they start getting worn out, I "demote" them to weekday.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)From the way I dress, people usually assume that I grew up frum. During one of my sheva brachos, one of the guests asked if I went to Bais Yaakov in NY [a schol for girls]. Also, friends have told me that some of my clothing choices are a little farfrumpt [very, very frum].

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?Well, after I started wearing modest clothes, my mother's aunt, a staunch Catholic, told me that I reminded her of a nun. I think that was probably a new association for both of us.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?On seeing someone with a different level of tznius, I'd say that I used to try and categorize them. I guess I was trying to decide where they would be coming from, what they "stand" for, etc. That was when I had just become frum and was probably a wee bit judgmental and zealous. Now, when I'm talking to a woman who, say, is wearing shorter sleeves than I would, or showing more hair than I do, I actually listen to what she's saying instead of pigeonholing her. I guess I've mellowed, and I've seen that where someone is holding on the tznius spectrum really has little to do with who they are as a person. This isn't to say that I don't categorize at all (I wish I was holding there), just not as much as before.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?Tznius to me means a way of being. It applies to how much we expose to the world in both an external and internal sense. How much we want to put out there and how much we keep for ourselves, our family, Hashem.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!After I started dressing more tznuah, I did notice a marked difference in how strangers treated me. I definitely felt an increase in level of respect (though considering how I dressed before, it's not so surprising). I think that having to dress so utterly differently than I did before, and to be so much more, well, dressed, caused me to introspect a good deal. It made me think about how I used to use clothing as artistic expression. Like, my body was my palette, or I was a walking art gallery. After donning the frum "uniform," I had to re-assess who I was internally if I wasn't just a walking statement-maker. Or, to ask myself what statement I was making now, with the frumiform. It was an interesting transition.

The Tzniut Project 22: Part of a Chain

This is the 22nd in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I do not like denominations or boxes. I identify as a Jewish woman who is doing her best to live a halachicly observant life in 2011. If you asked my friends and family you would hear the following descriptors though: Conservative, Conservadox, Traditional, Orthoprax, Modern Orthodox, Orthodox, or just simply frum.

For your box placing ease, here is what I can briefly share. I am shomer Shabbat, shomer Kashrut, observe taharat hamishpaca, wear skirts and sleeves and cover my hair at all times in the presence of anyone other than my husband or parents (I don’t have kids yet, don’t know what I’ll do then!). I also believe in learning with a critical eye and the need to question and understand our religious obligations. I am comfortable davening with or without a mechitza, but I will always respond aloud and will sing along aloud as well. Oh, and I only wear stockings in the winter (for warmth) and live in open-toed shoes all summer long.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
I did not grow up religious, so although my mother and grandmother both dressed modestly, it was not a religious choice, but rather just a personal one. They were comfortable with themselves, but also dressed in a way which was always appropriate for any setting. I on the other hand, did not. Everything I wore was too short, too low, or too big. I had no sense of dressing in a way which honored my body. However, opting into modest dressing (a la tzniut) as an adult makes it a conscious and continual choice that I am proud of now.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am indeed married. My husband appreciates that I dress modestly, however he respects that is my choice. If I were to decide to wear pants again, he would be fine with it. Lucky for him, he also knows that I fully believe in this mitzvah and will not take backward steps in its observance.

The only thing he has a vocal opinion on is not wearing a sheitel, and 95% of the time I agree with him about that.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
I wear skirts past my knees and sleeves over my elbows, and something on my head. On a typical day, it is an a-line or jean skirt with a shell and a cute cardigan/wrapigan/blazer or a cute top over a long sleeve shell with a coordinated head covering. Over Shabbat it is similar, only the skirt and hat selection is specifically different. When I began only wearing skirts, I knew I had to somehow make Shabbat clothing special. So I have weekday skirts and Shabbat skirts (and hats) and they are separate in my closet. Oh, and always with fun accessories and shoes – tzniut does not mean boring!

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
The bulk of the judgment I receive comes from people who can’t understand that just because something looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck – it isn’t always a duck. (And by duck, I mean a certain kind of Jew.)

However, the one that affects me more profoundly is that when I made the shift to dressing tzniut, it was difficult for many people in my life to handle, largely because I was known for wearing low slung jeans and tank tops. How was it possible to choose to wear shirts with sleeves to the elbow all the time, and later to only wear skirts past the knee and a neckline close to the collar bone? Clearly it was being forced upon me! How shocked they were to learn I had really come to think about how I dress in a different way. I found it empowering to take control of my body and how I presented it to the world in a positive way, and I make the choice every day when I get dressed. It has been years now, and I still have friends and family members who cannot accept that this is my choice, let alone one that I am happy with and intend to opt into every day of my life.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
All the time! I do not live in a city or community where tzniut is common. I know very few women who wear skirts and sleeves, fewer who always cover their hair, and even fewer who do not wear sheitels. So being someone who does all that, but is also an educated career woman who is engaged in the broader (read: secular) Jewish community – often makes people stop and think. It is a proud moment for me whenever I can make someone rethink their stereotypes, and gain a broader sense of all the different types of religious Jews out there.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I believe that it is a journey and I am always happy to see people on the path. I do not think I have room to judge anyone, as I would not want to be judged by others.

My favorite thing about seeing someone out and about who observes tzniut differently, is when we can look at each other and know we are sisters on the journey, and give each other a knowing nod or smile. My friends who do not dress tzniut don’t understand those moments, but I do. It makes my heart happy.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
Tzniut tends to be most commonly translated about modesty in reference to clothing. I think defining it down on this level does an injustice to tzniut and people who uphold the ideal of modesty. Personally, I believe that the most important component of tzniut is how we carry ourselves, not how we dress ourselves. Holding your head high with confidence, without boasting. Being a good person and friend, without advertising that you feel you are such. Lending a hand when needed, without making a big show about how helpful you are. That is the inner-modesty which is so much more valuable in today’s society. While how we dress should reflect the person we are on the inside, should a woman’s skirt length be more important than living a modest life?

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
In the end of my copy of Naomi Ragan’s Sotah, she writes a bit about a conference she was at where she spoke on the topic of women’s rights in Judaism, entitled “A Letter to My Sisters.” When I read the following response she had to an attendee who asked how a modern woman in the free world would “choose to wear the chains imposed on [her] by religion and the narrow minded, backward men who are religious leaders,” it resonated with me. This is what Ms. Ragen had to say to this woman:

I am a part of a chain that reaches back for thousands of years. There is a great joy in knowing who you are, and where you come from; in cherishing and preserving those cultural and religious treasures which are your heritage and which make you unique. Why should I allow these men to push me out, deny me that place? No, I prefer to fight them, to make them live up to the goodness and justice of the authentic religion that belongs to me, not just to them. I prefer to have them thrown out, rather than for me to leave.

This response captures my sentiment on embracing modest dress more eloquently than I could have realized.

The Tzniut Project 21: "I'm a Conservative Jew who covers her head."

This is the 21st in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!


Note: This post is contributed by a reader.

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.

I am a proud member of the Conservative Movement and affiliate at medium sized (400 family) Conservative synagogue. My husband is an employee of the congregation, and we live in walking distance of the synagogue. We are Shomer Shabbat and keep a completely kosher home. Since we live in a town with no kosher restaurants besides the JCC café, I do eat vegetarian food out at non-kosher restaurants. My husband does not, although on rare occasion in the interest of shalom bayit, he will have a cheese-less salad at a non-kosher restaurant (think anniversary dinners, etc).

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
I did not grow up in an observantly Jewish home, so I cannot say my mother or grandmother dressed in a modestly-aware style. That said, there was always a sense of appropriate dress that was expected for me. One thing I will definitely emphasize one day when I have children is that they dress like children. Today, one thing that really bothers me about dress is how adult, sexually-charged, and inappropriate little girls’ clothing can be. Little girls do not need bikinis, spaghetti strap tank tops, or tee shirts with suggestive statements on them.

I didn’t dress modestly by tzniut standards growing up, but I was never a tank top wearer (perhaps mainly because my mother didn’t buy use clothing like that!). Since I was always one of the tallest girls in my class, short skirts were unacceptable in my family because they were REALLY short on me.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am (happily) married for just over a year. I was never planning on covering my hair after marriage although my husband did ask me about it when we were first engaged. His words were, “I’d rather you not cover your hair, but it would be completely fine with me if you did. It’s your decision.” I appreciated his respect of that, and I’m not sure if one day I will take on that mitzvah. My husband does not have any real opinions regarding my clothing choices and has told me he likes no matter what I wear (I sure am lucky!).

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
My style of tzniut is a modified version with which I feel very comfortable. I would say I wear skirts about 75% of the time. I went through two year-long periods in college and in my first year of marriage where I wore almost exclusively skirts reaching the knee. I do wear pants, although I do not wear tight jeans or dress pants – usually I prefer more, full trouser-style. I do wear short sleeves, however I am no longer comfortable wearing tank tops in public. I do not cover my hair.

On Shabbat and teaching religious school, I always wear skirts and sleeves at least to the elbow if not longer. I always wear a kippah in the synagogue (even if not davening or teaching) and wear a tallit at all morning services. For me, my Shabbat clothes are truly separated out from my weekday work and after work clothes. Even my style choice is slightly different – on weekdays, I wear more business professional style with pencil skirts and blazers and on Shabbat, I tend to wear more mid-calf, flowy skirts with cardigans and brighter colors. I occasionally wear hats on Shabbat to services instead of a kippah.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
Since many people from my synagogue only see me in skirts, for a while many assumed that I only wore skirts. Surprisingly, many women actually appreciated and seemed to admire this choice. Conversely, when I have worn a hat to services, I have often gained questions like, “Oh, are you frum now?” I foresee if the future that one day I will wear hats all the time in services. The answer will then be, “No, I’m a Conservative Jew who covers her head.”

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
Yes! This is perhaps the most frustrating thing to me. For a while, when I was wearing more skirts, I felt a little bit more recognized as observant within my city’s broader Jewish community. Now, when I’ve been at our JCC in pants, I often feel like people are shocked to find out that my husband and I are Shomer Shabbat or keep kosher. It goes to show how appearances can cause assumptions. That said, the people who matter most to me (both in the liberal and Orthodox communities), recognize the strong Jewish life that I (and my husband) live. That’s what really matters.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
When a friend of mine started covering her hair about a year into her marriage, it caused a bit of a stir at our synagogue where there were no women who did that and barely any women who wear a hat on Shabbat (most are bare-headed or wear kippot). For me, I wondered if she was becoming too immersed in the Orthodox community in which she was volunteering. Now, she has a young son and has brought him every Shabbat since he was born to our Conservative synagogue and has continued to read Torah and wear a tallit along with a tichel. I admire her for staying strong in her decision, despite what others thought.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
Many things. On the surface and if I look at my earliest understanding of the term, it means the way “observant” Jews dress and behave. I see myself as an observant Jew and certainly more traditional than most members of Conservative Judaism. Today, I see tzniut as an important element that enlightens how I dress and how I behave. Certain things are kept for myself and my husband. I don’t need to put my body (or for that matter, my thoughts) all “out there” in order to put portray my personality and my character. This is perhaps the most important lesson tzniut has taught me.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
Thank you so much for doing this project and for including people of all segments of the Jewish community.

In the Pool: Modest and Cozy

Ahh, summer days. By the pool. Healthy summer beverage in hand (in this case a Starbucks Doubleshot on Ice). A breeze blowing just strongly enough to keep me cool. Comfortable swimsuit, too.

I never thought this could be something I'd enjoy. Honestly, ever since that time at the Belmon Pool back in middle school when this kid Jon (yes I remember his last name, but I'm not posting it) scarred me for life by saying "beached whale" and singing the Butterball Turkey jingle to me. I don't think I went back to the pool after that, at least not a public pool. There were hotel pools, but I even steered clear of those. My mom had a knack for taking tons of pictures of my young, oversized frame in the worst of lights. And swim lessons? Psshaw. I was 10 when those started and let's just say I hated (is that a strong enough word?) them.

As you'll hear in the vlog below, I've always hated swimming and swimsuits, mostly because I never found something that looked good on me and made me feel good inside. I was always the beached whale that that little jerk Jon saw me as during my formative years. Now? Well, let's just say the problem is solved, and I can't wait to take this puppy to the beach! (Or to the gym for that matter, this is also workout worthy.)






Swimsuit Care Instructions are here. And did I mention that some of the suits have material that is Ultra Chlorine Resistant?

For you, my lovely readers, simply enter KVETCH for an 8 percent discount at checkout! Also, if you're in the Teaneck area, they have a vendor who stocks the product and you can skip the S&H and pick your suit up there, just let me know, and I'll give you her information!

(And to those of you who want to think that I'm only giving HydroChic a positive review because I got this swimsuit on the free, well, you can you know what my fashionable swimsuited self. I really love this suit, and I couldn't be happier with it!)

The Tzniut Project 20: A Critical Approach to Fashion

After a brief hiatus, we have a few more in the series!


This is the twentieth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself. 

I consider myself a 'traditional egalitarian' Jew with a progressive bent and a universalist ethos.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 

I did not grow up with a concept of modesty in a religious sense but was raised with a concept of propriety. My mother taught me that clothing is contextual. If I would visit a place of worship, I was expected to cover my shoulders because it was considered the decent thing to do. If I was engaging with elders or in a situation that required social decorum, I was taught to dress the part. But it was also considered perfectly fine for me (as a teenager) to wear a strappy top when going to the disco. Hence, a certain mild form of modesty was instilled but since we were secular, it was detached from any religious ideology. It was also gender-neutral: my mother expected the same conduct from boys as she did from girls.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 

My spouse and I are both modest dressers. He is fully egalitarian so 'modesty' to him is not connected to gender but is connected to dignity, bodily integrity and a sense of sexual exclusivity -- and this applies to us both. He considers the more modest, classical fashions more pleasing so he tends to gravitate to those naturally. He does feel that modesty can help protect me (and perhaps other women) from the pressures of the beauty ideal. Yes, it is a dialogue between us. He respects my autonomy and would never legislate, boycott or disapprove of my choices.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 

On a regular weekday, I wear knee-length skirts or pants and cap-sleeved shirts. My rule of thumb is that I want my knees and shoulders to be covered and I try to avoid plunging necklines. I am fine with collarbones and elbows showing and I do wear form-fitting but not skintight clothing. Modesty to me is not only about 'covering up' but also investing my dress with dignity and beauty. I try and 'dress up' even on weekdays. On Shabbos I consider it lichvod Shabbat (in honor of Shabbat) to do so and it gives me tremendous pleasure. It is also a way for me to assert the hevdel (the difference) between Shabbat and weekdays. So I wear skirts exclusively and either a kippah or a hat/scarf when I go to shul (depending on context). I love wearing a suit or a silk dress or skirt on Shabbos, paired with my pearls, make-up and French perfume. I guess I am a little old-fashioned!

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 

I tend to be a bit more modest than my 'denominational surroundings' but I am fine with that. For me, it's a personal choice and as long as I adhere to a benchmark that feels authentic to me, I am happy. When I started practicing tzniut, people had to get used to it but now it's become part of me. Because I try to look 'stylish' and because I am 'lenient' about necklines and elbows (when seen from a traditional Orthodox vantage point), I don't think people really notice. I do get compliments on my personal style (which make me very happy!). 

My relationship with headcovering is a bit more complex: I used to cover my head continuously before marriage as an egalitarian practice of devotion (I would wear a scarf or a beanie as an alternative to a kippah) and continued this practice for a number of years after marriage. But I did get problematic responses to my headcovering from time to time and I also felt it didn't align with my need for a professional look. After much contemplation about where I stand on kisui rosh (headcovering), I discontinued it. Not covering my head has felt lonely in the beginning. But also strangely empowering because to me, 'modesty' is a total concept and not just contingent on headcovering. I feel I can still be modest with an uncovered head, and it's been an interesting journey.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 

Yes. Especially when I still covered my head, people would assume I was an Orthodox Jew, which I am not. I am fully egalitarian in my practice (including the timebound mitzvot), so this would surprise people. People also assumed that I was somehow less humorous and less worldly because of my long skirts and modest dress. Engaging with them in conversation would soon change their minds :)

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? 

I believe in human diversity so I embrace people's different choices. My only criterion is that they are actual choices. I support women's (and men's) right to claim their sexuality and bodily integrity so I have no judgement about that in general. I do worry, however, about the disproportionate sexualization of women's fashions and women's bodies and as a 'feminist', I would like to see (young) women challenge this objectification. It saddens me that many young women take an uncritical approach toward fashion, compromising their dignity and undermining their self-worth. But in the end, it is a very individual path and I adhere to tzniut for myself first and foremost. Part of the concept of tzniut is also refraining from immodestly imposing your will on others, I think!

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 

I say tzniut because 'modesty' conjures up a set of associations that don't really fit me. I am not demure or quiet, ultra-feminine or morally conservative although I respect people who are! I am an active, emancipated, egalitarian woman who wants to reclaim tzniut in a socially progressive and spiritually relevant way. Also, tzniut not just about dress but also about attitude. I am fully committed to my monogamous, marital relationship and so tzniut encompasses sexual restraint. It's about keeping private what is internal and sacred. As a gender-egalitarian, tzniut actually helps take gender out of the equation somewhat when it comes to my social interactions. I want to be judged on my soul, not on my body or gender.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more! 

I wish there was more of a consciousness in the Western world about how dress impacts our sense of self and our relationship with the world at large, including the beauty standard, self-image, ethical consumerism and garment workers' rights. Tzniut can be such an empowering and liberating practice. I have come to love and respect my body so much more through covering up. It allowed me to relax about my alleged physical imperfections and allowed me to extract myself from an industry that objectifies women (and men). I took back the power over my body and feel more dignified than ever. Try it -- you might like it!

The Huff Post and Beyond

Dr. Ruth is so tiny! So cute! So ... adorable! 

I am super happy to announce that my first piece for The Huffington Post is live: Jewish Identity (Un)defined at the 2011 Israeli Presidential Conference

In the lineup for the coming week you'll find a Sabra-sponsored kiddush write-up (yes, we invited friends over to celebrate our one-year anniversary and down some dips) and giveaway, as well as a review of the HydroChic line of swimwear.

I'm also working on a video about the nifty mitpachot that I purchased in Israel and how exactly they work.

Stay tuned!

The Tzniut Project 19: Keeping My Thoughts Modest

This is the nineteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.

Most of my family is Conservative and Orthodox, but I was brought up Reform. However, I have been attending Conservative and Orthodox shuls for about three years now, and based on my observance and beliefs, most would probably say I’m Conservadox. I feel like I have all of the major Jewish affiliations somewhere in my beliefs: I love the progressiveness of Reform, the Torah interpretation of Conservative, and the traditions of Orthodox. I’m also very interested in Kabbalah, but I wouldn’t identify myself as Kabbalistic.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
I suppose I’m still “growing up” -- I’m only 18. My immediate family never put a huge emphasis on modesty for religious purposes. My mother dresses extremely immodest by any standards, especially for her age. I think that has had an influence on me to dress even more modest. I have extended family who dress very traditionally Jewish modest: no pants, hair coverings, no collarbones, etc.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am not married. I plan to cover my hair when I get married. I haven’t been in a relationship where I’ve been pressured to dress more modestly; in fact, it has been quite the opposite!

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
I do not live in a very Jewish area, I actually live in what they call the “Bible Belt” of my state. My shul is an hour-and-a-half away, and although there are many Jewish areas around there, I live in what is essentially a farm town, and I attended a Catholic high school up until recently. This definitely has influenced what I wear day-to-day.

To school, I would usually wear our uniform polos and a knee-length skirt. Where I live it gets extremely cold in the winter, and because we weren’t allowed to wear leggings under our skirts, I’d wear slacks or harem pants in the winter to school. I would wear a cardigan over my polo at school. At home, I usually wear a t-shirt and comfortable (loose-fitting) pants. There are no men present in my household so it gives my mom, sisters and I some more choices. Outside of the home, on weekends, I usually wear dresses (I love them!) that are knee-length and if they aren’t elbow length, I wear a cardigan. In the winter, I wear loose-fitting jeans or harem pants or leggings under my dress/skirt. My job doesn’t allow us to wear skirts or dresses (I work in retail, and our uniform is a certain color top with khaki or black pants), but I can usually get away with harem pants or very loose pants. My employers don’t really understand my modesty beliefs, but I have to put up with it for the time being in order to pay for college next year.

On Shabbos, I definitely love to dress up! I feel since that Shabbos is such a holy day, we should honor it as such. I don’t think it’s vital to dress up for Shabbos, since some people do not have the means to do so, and Shabbos is really all about G-d when it comes down to it. But given the chance, I take it! I usually wear a skirt, a nice blouse and a cardigan. I absolutely love fashion, so putting together a nice outfit for Shabbos is actually one of the highlights of my week! :)

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
People who don’t know that I’m Jewish have probably given me the most judgment (i.e., “You’re crazy for wearing such long sleeves in the summer!”). Like I said, the area I live in is far from Jewish, but aside from long sleeves and high necklines, I don’t think I stick out too much. My town is very Christian, so most people here dress pretty conservatively anyways. The hardest thing has probably been during summer when I go swimming or tanning with friends. I normally wear a swimdress that exposes zero cleavage and is just about mid-thigh. Since my non-Jewish friends (and even many of my Jewish friends) usually wear skimpy bikinis, I have gotten some weird looks from people. My best friend is a non-Jewish boy, and for the longest time he just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to wear jeans, or why I didn’t wear low-cut tops like all of my peers. However, most people that know me, just know that I dress modestly.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
My mother does not dress/act tznius in the least, and I think that sometimes I surprise her with the modesty of my own clothing and actions.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
All people judge. I do my best not to :) Going to a non-Jewish, or even non-secular, high school and having family members who do not dress modestly has made me never really take a second glance at someone dressed immodestly. Of course, when people are baring all with cleavage, midriffs, and legs, don’t we all judge a little? When I see someone that observes tznius more traditionally than I, it inspires me to further my observance and practice of tznius.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
Tzniut is more than just covering your body parts. I practice tzniut in my everyday actions and words. A quote that really helps me remember my tznius values is: “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” Long story short, I feel that if I keep my thoughts modest, my character and destiny will keep modest. Modest actions and words to me mean following The Golden Rule, remembering “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” and realizing how lucky I am to have everything that I do, and taking none of it for granted.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
As with the halacha in general, I think that tznius, not just in dress but in words and actions, is part of G-d’s mission for us to live in His image. I believe that tznius should also be a person’s choice: find what calls to you. That isn’t to say that if you find/like an outfit that bares all to wear it, but if a woman finds that she doesn’t like the way covering her hair makes her feel, then I think she should forgo the hair covering. I wish that everyone got to experience the great blessings I have received from dressing and acting modestly.

The Tzniut Project 18: "Refined Character Clothed Accordingly"

This is the eighteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!


Note: This post is contributed by a reader. I did include a comment, if only for posterity's sake!

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
Traditional Orthodox. If forced to pinpoint it further, Litvish/Yeshivish.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
My mother grew up Conservative and dressed modestly to a degree while married to my father who grew up orthodox. When they divorced, her adherence to the laws of modesty pretty much went out the window. I went to Jewish day school and always dressed modestly, but I would wear a bikini at the beach. This is why it's important for parents to be on the same page. It's confusing for the kids. I have two brothers who are also religious and our mother looks at it as the ultimate in rebellion.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 

I am married and my current husband has a stricter standard for modest dress than my former one. I knew this when we met based on where he's from. My ex-husband is more a Yeshiva University (modern orthodox) flavor and refused to let me cover my hair with a wig. He felt very strongly about this. Not wishing to rock the boat of shalom bayis, I went along but was never comfortable with it. I'd approach the topic occasionally, but he never relented. That's not why we divorced, but it didn't help much. When I started looking for a shidduch again, I knew the standard I'd want to keep. I live in a very yeshivish environment so there have been some adjustments to my dress since I got here. Out-of-town tznius is not the same as in-town tznius.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 

On a typical day I wear some sort of black skirt or dark denim with a modest top and or shell. Always tasteful, nothing really out there. I have special clothes to wear to honor the Shabbos -- suits, separates, shoes. During the week I wear my wedding rings and a watch. On Shabbos I add accessories. I will run errands in a tichel during the week. On Shabbos it's always a sheitel. It's not uncommon for women in these parts to have a sheitel just for Shabbos.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 

I think my exterior adheres to the local standard but I'm sure I am very different from most of the women dressed like me. I am not from Brooklyn -- I would likely be more relaxed if not for the peer pressure and wanting to keep my son in good standing at his school. I also raised my level of tznius a notch to honor my husband. He finds me most attractive when I am totally tzniufied.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 

I bumped into someone I knew from my old neighborhood (out of town) who I have not seen since my remarriage. She had never seen me in a sheitel and did not recognize me at all.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? 

I come from a town where not everyone covers there hair, and there are members of my husband's family who fall into this category as well. I *try* not to judge a book by its cover. My only concern is sending a consistent message of what the standard is to our child. He has observed, "That person is a yid (Jew) but doesn't know the rules about ladies not wearing pants," which is an acceptable answer to me.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 

Refined character clothed accordingly. Honoring Hakadosh Baruch Hu by using proper speech and carrying myself as one who takes his laws seriously.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!

N/A

The Tzniut Project 17: The Push-Pull of the Left and Frum Worlds

This is the seventeenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!


Note: This post is contributed by a reader. I did include a comment, if only for posterity's sake!

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.

I consider myself centrist Orthodox. I disagree with certain aspects of the chareidi hashkafa, like the push for all men to learn in kollel and the suspicion of science and secular learning in general, so intellectually I identify with modern Orthodoxy. However, practically speaking, I don't feel that I fit in the modern Orthodox community because of what I'll call the Big Three Syndrome: there's a disproportionate emphasis on keeping Shabbos, kosher, and mikvah. I don't like the attitude that if you're keeping those mitzvos, you're all set. I'm also uncomfortable with the way many modern Orthodox folks compartmentalize their lives: over here I'm keeping Torah, and over here I'm working at my secular job, and over here I'm spending time with my family and friends ... To me, centrist Orthodoxy means acknowledging that we can learn from the secular world, while still being committed to full halachic observance at all times and in all places.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
My grandmothers both dress very modestly by secular standards (loose-fitting slacks, long sleeves, high necklines). My mother does not dress particularly modestly -- lower necklines, sleeveless tops -- but she was always adamant that I not wear miniskirts. I did not dress b'tznius growing up, but I dressed more modestly than my peers. No one told me to -- I was simply uncomfortable with revealing as much skin as was cool in my circles.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am not yet married. I hope that my future husband will like to see me looking and acting tzanua, including covering my hair. I plan to cover my hair with a scarf or snood, partially since it seems the most true to the spirit of the halacha, and partially since it identifies me with my ideological community.

It's true that tznius of dress is more personal than some other mitzvos. For example, the standards of kashrus I maintain in my kitchen will affect my husband and children, but only I have to wear the clothes I pick out for myself. However, my observance of hilchos tznius is part of my overall spiritual identity, which can have a huge impact on my family. If my husband went without a kippa, I would feel that this affects me and that I am entitled to comment on it. Similarly, I feel that a husband is entitled to have a say in the tznius standards of his family members, including his wife.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
On a typical weekday, I wear a casual skirt below the knee (corduroy, khaki, denim) with a plain T-shirt (covering my collarbone) and a long-sleeve cardigan. I usually wear sneakers or clogs and wear my hair pulled back out of my face. I do not usually wear jewelry during the week (unless I'm going to a fancy event or a simcha). When we talk about tznius of dress, people think of skirt and sleeve length, but things like long, loose hair, big earrings, and even perfume are also discussed in halacha.

My Shabbos clothing is very different from my weekday clothing. On a typical Shabbos, I wear a dress or a fancy skirt and top with nice black flats. I wear my hair pulled back, but I try to make it slightly fancier than a regular weekday ponytail. I usually wear small pearl earrings and sometimes a pearl necklace. I try to dress for Shabbos like I would for a fancy event, because that is part of giving kavod to Shabbos. I also try to keep my Shabbos clothes special for Shabbos and not wear them for weekday activities, although I would wear them to a simcha on a weekday.

One subtle but significant difference between my weekday clothes and my Shabbos/Yom Tov clothes is that I always wear stockings or socks on Shabbos, while on weekdays I often don't, especially with ankle-length skirts. I wear stockings on Shabbos not because I want to be more tzanua on Shabbos, but because for me, wearing stockings is part of feeling dressed up. I agree with the opinion that the halacha regarding stockings varies from one community to another. B'ezras Hashem I'll be in Israel for a few months in the near future, and while I'm living in Jerusalem I plan to wear stockings or socks all the time, because that seems to be the minhag hamakom. Wearing stockings is something I'd like to take on full-time eventually, because I think it looks refined and classy, which is a big part of tznius for me.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
As someone who identifies with neither the left nor the right wing of Orthodoxy, it's funny (and sometimes frustrating) to see how people on either end of the spectrum make different assumptions about me based on my dress. I just graduated college, and on my campus, though there were quite a few Orthodox students, I was the only full-time skirt-wearer. In that environment, I seem a lot more right-wing than I really am, just by comparison. On the other hand, when I daven at the charedi shul in town, people assume I am more left-wing than I really am, probably because of how my tan stockings and colored tops stand out in that environment. In that setting, people are surprised that I really do keep Shabbos, that I really don't eat out dairy in treif restaurants, that I really do keep hilchos tznius...

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
My standards of tznius don't exactly match my hashkafa in other areas. I think I keep more machmir standards of tznius than other women who are ideologically similar to me -- I don't wear "the uniform" but I do look more yeshivish than the other women in my modern, liberal shul. It seems that tznius has become optional in the more modern sectors of the Orthodox community. I know many women who are fully, deeply committed to keeping Shabbos, but who see no problem wearing pants or tank tops. I think this stems from the compartmentalization I mentioned above. When one sees Torah as a set of ritual and spiritual practices rather than as a comprehensive lifestyle, it's easier to disregard certain mitzvos as outdated or less important. I hope that by dressing according to halacha and simultaneously being open-minded and more modern, I can show that tznius is not just a mitzvah for chareidi women, but for all Jewish women.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
This is a sensitive issue. I admit to judging other women based on the way they dress and act. It's not that I would see an otherwise frum woman in pants and think, "She's a bad Jew." I might, however, make assumptions about how she's keeping other mitzvos based on how she's keeping tznius. In one woman's response [here on The Tzniut Project], she noted that she doesn't think it's reasonable to judge someone's kashrus, for example, based on her tznius. I disagree with this, because I see halacha as a comprehensive system. That doesn't mean it's all or nothing -- no one is perfect, and keeping some halachos is certainly better than keeping no halachos. But when an otherwise frum woman who has been well educated in the Orthodox system decides that keeping hilchos tznius is not important, that says something about her overall commitment to halacha. Tznius is no less a halachic requirement than Shabbos or kashrus or mikvah. If a woman gives me a reason to doubt her commitment to halacha, then I may very well be uncomfortable eating in her house.

I admire women who keep stricter standards of tznius than I do, although I don't think halacha requires it. One thing I do have a problem with is the new phenomenon of chareidi women covering their faces with a burka-like garment. There is a world of difference between trying in earnest to live a mehadrin life, and creating entirely new issurim. "Lo sosef alav, v'lo sigra mimenu" -- don't add onto the Torah, or take away from it (Devarim 13:1). There is such a thing as being too machmir.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
At the pshat level, "tznius" refers to a set of halachos governing dress and behavior. The halachos cover, in no particular order, skirt length (or pants length, for men), sleeve length, appropriate necklines, stockings, clothing colors, clothing tightness, jewelry, hairstyles, perfume/cologne, public conduct, appropriate speech, behavior in mixed company...

On a deeper level, the concept of tznius comes from the pasuk in Micha (6:8), which says, "hatznea leches im Hashem Elokecha" -- walk modestly with Hashem your God. This is often taken out of context, though -- the whole pasuk actually says, "You have been told what's good, what Hashem demands of you -- asos mishpat (do justice), v'ahavas chesed (and love kindness), v'hatznea leches im Hashem Elokecha (and walk modestly with Hashem your God)." [Hey! This is exactly what I wrote in my post, too! Great minds think alike ... - Chaviva]


Tznius isn't just an outfit -- it's a midah, like justice or chesed. To me, tznius means striving to be the kind of person who walks with Hashem, and the clothes I wear are just one part of that -- it's also about being humble, speaking in a refined way, being sensitive to my own privacy and the privacy of others, and knowing the appropriate time and place for everything. It's about protecting my dignity as a daughter of the highest King.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
In the chareidi world, I've noticed the prevalence of the idea that just as Torah learning is the one central mitzvah for men, tznius is the one central mitzvah for women. I really disagree with this. The obsession with women's dress in some chareidi circles seems very unhealthy to me, especially since it's obvious that in the early sources, the subject of tznius didn't get nearly as much air time it gets today.

I think this is most likely an expression of the ever-widening gap between the frum world and the secular world. Until relatively recently, there wasn't so much difference between secular women's clothing and Jewish women's clothing. Now that the secular world is pushing further and further left, and very revealing clothing and undignified behavior has become acceptable, the frum world feels, perhaps subconsciously, that it needs to push further right to insulate and differentiate itself. The irony, of course, is that the harder they try NOT to be influenced by the secular world, by taking on more machmir standards and putting more and more emphasis on the importance of women's clothing, the more they are admitting that they HAVE been influenced by the secular world.

I think it's commendable if one individual wants to take on a chumra that's meaningful to her. What's problematic is making a chumra the baseline standard for an entire community.

I also want to add that some people argue that tznius is not "as required" as Shabbos or kashrus, for example, because the halacha is of a different nature -- it's mid'rabanan rather than mid'oraisa, or it's das yehudis rather than das Moshe, etc. I am certainly not an expert on this issue, so I'll just say that in my very humble opinion, according to what I was taught, distinctions like das yehudis/das Moshe speak only to the nature and the source of the halacha, not to the importance or required-ness of the content of the halacha. The label "das yehudis" does not mean, "this halacha is more optional than those explicitly mentioned in Chumash."

The Tzniut Project 16: It's a Very Personal Mitzvah

This is the sixteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.

I would label myself as left-wing yeshivish. I believe strongly in following halacha even when I don't always understand it or even like it. I agree with a lot of charedi concepts but ultimately there are some aspects of the charedi community that I can't agree with.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?

I am a BT so there was no real standard. My mom and grandmothers wore pants, short sleeves, etc. My maternal grandmother always wears pants. Personally I always was more conservative in my choices. If I wore shorts they were loose. I never owned a tube top or short shorts. My skirts were always on the longer side. We were also taught the concept that there were times and places for different types of clothing.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?

I am married. Tznius is an ongoing conversation. When we were dating we were on the same page for the most part. There are small differences in taste and style but nothing major. He has encouraged
me to take on new things that I thought were harder then they actually were.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?

Normal weekday clothes are either a black or denim skirt that covers my knees a shirt that covers my collarbone and elbows and some type of tights or socks depending on the weather. I love all hair coverings especially pretied tichels and snoods but there are days when my sheital is more appropriate. Pregnancy and nursing have also influenced my clothing choices in the past year.

On shabbos I have a bunch of comfy dresses that I love for Friday night and shabbos day is usually a dress or skirt and top. Shabbos is a holy day deserving of my best clothes. I think getting dressed in my
nicest clothes despite the fact that its often just my husband and me sets the tone for the day.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)

I think I come off as being more modern then I actually am. I don't dress in a bais yaakov manner even though I have a lot of the same beliefs. I asked someone I'm friendly with about a specific book
about women in Judaisim that had come out recently and she strongly emphasized how intense it is. People are surprised that I don't use the eruv, don't have a TV, keep pas yisroel, and try to eat chalav
yisroel.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?

No.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?

I'm human and sometimes I judge, but at the end of the day I know that it's a very personal mitzvah. If people are at the very least being sincere in trying to keep a normative standard of tznius in accordance with halacha then kol hakavod! If their tznius is not in keeping with normative halacha and they purport to be a Orthodox/frum person I get irritated sometimes because proper tznius (in dress and mind) is ultimately no less halachic than being shomer shabbos.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 

When it comes to tznius its as much of an attitude as it is a way of dress. I am a loud outgoing person so the little voice in the back of my head is always there reminding me to tone it down a little.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!

Ultimately tznius is about being a bas melech (daughter of the King of Kings). Every day I ask myself how should I dress and how should I behave when continuously standing before our Creator (infinitely greater than any human king)! He set certain standards for us as Jews and we should do our utmost to adhere to them.

The Tzniut Project 15: "The Uniform"

This is the fifteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader. I have been waiting for a post from the Chasidic world, and here it is! Also, B"H = Baruch HaShem (essentially, blessed is G-d).

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself. 
I consider myself to be just plain Chareidi. We affiliate with Chabad so I guess that makes us Chabad or Lubavitch? I am not really sure. I know my family describe us as "ultra orthodox." Really we are just regular frum yidden.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 
Modesty was definitely not something I saw growing up, not by my mom and later on not even by my grandmother (albeit always in a very classy way B"H). When my family came to America they really assimilated into the culture. Growing up I did not so much dress modestly as much as I dressed very casually and sporty. I loved wearing jeans and T-shirts, sport suits, etc. But by the time I got to the middle of high school that all changed. That is when I really started my entry into the realm of short skirts, open tops, etc. This phase though only lasted two years. I started dressing tzniusly soon after I got to Stern College in New York.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 
We have been married for a year and usually my husband leaves the tznius dress up to me. Lately though he has been pretty picky about how I dress around the house (I blame it on our baby girl). When I get home I just want to let loose (i.e. walk around in pants under a skirt, maybe a shirt does not come up to my collar bone). He would not ever let me walk around our apartment with my hair uncovered or even in a short-sleeve shirt. I am pretty much okay with it and used to it ... I was dressing this way around the house before I got married anyways (except for the covering hair part).

I happen to be a lot more careful of how I dress to go out so he never mentions anything about that ... unless something is accidentally showing that should not be. It is definitely a dialogue for us. I think though that my husband's desire for me to be fully tznius in the house comes not only because of our daughter but also because that is what he saw at home. His mom is always fully tznius at home with her hair covered. His dad as well walks around in pants and a button down. My husband comes home and the only thing he does is change his pants, otherwise he stays in his tzitis and a button down shirt. My husband B"H takes his tznius of dress very seriously, he does not wear/own jeans and T-shirts, ever.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 
On a typical day I would wear a pleated skirt, some kind of top and a kiki riki/linda leal top underneath. Every single top I have in my closet gets worn with one of these shirts underneath. I, like my husband, dont wear/own any denim. I definitely try to make a distinction between my weekday dress and my Shabbos dress. I feel it is important to do so because Shabbos is all about honoring the King of Kings. We spend the whole day preparing a beautiful table in honor of Shabbos, have a nice becher [kiddush cup] and lichters [Shabbos candlesticks/lights], I think it is just as important to spend some time preparing ourselves as well!

Now we are home every Shabbos because we dont use the eruv, and even at home I make it a point to dress up for Shabbos. It also make me feel regal, I like it and so does my husband :) We rarely have an opportunity to pay a little extra attention to how we look, well for me Shabbos is that opportunity. I make that distinction by wearing my full sheitel instead of a tichel or my fall. I also make that distinction by wearing some kind of fancy top and wearing jewelry (since I don't usually wear it during the week). My skirts are all interchangeable from weekday to Shabbos.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 
At least in the community I live in people understand that I am frum/chareidi. I basically wear the "uniform": pleated skirt, some kind of top with a shirt underneath, the "chareidi" shoes, tights, sheitel/tichel. I think that my family infers that I am nuts! No one has ever said anything to me outright, and if they wanted to they kept it to themselves. I have to admit though that I am judgmental of people's appearances ... and perhaps that is why I choose to dress as I do, but don't get me wrong I enjoy my style.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 
I dont think that I have ... My style of tznius has been evolving ever since I made my choice about four years ago. I had many bumps in the road when I went from zero to sixty and then back again. By the time I left Israel in 2009 I had chosen the "chareidi" style, and I'm really happy with my choice. I think that is the challenge of a lot of Baalei Teshuva, finding a tznius zone that works both for the person and within the community. I know that for me, honestly, community (both in Israel and L.A.) had a lot to do with my choice. My family can make stupid and hurtful comments about the fact that I dress tzniusly, especially when we go shopping or they buy me something, but I stick my ground, and they will hopefully one day stop making unnecessary comments.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? 
None of your readers will like this, and trust me I realize that this is not the right thing to do. I categorize them. I categorize people's observance by how they dress. It has been an uphill battle to get rid of this habit, if any of your readers have advice on this topic I will gladly hear it. I try not to judge them as people based on how they dress. If we are talking then I will listen, I won't automatically dismiss them chas v'shalom ["G-d forbid"]. What can I say, I have got some serious work to do in this department.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 
To me it means mode of dress, speech, and actions. Most of the time it comes up on reference to dress, but there have been times between my husband and I where it has come up in actions. I think that over the years as Yiddishkeit has evolved and changed there has been a far greater emphasis on tzniut as a mode of dress rather than on speech and actions.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more! 
My style and closet have changed quite often over the last four years. In the beginning of my frumkeit journey I was all over the place trying to figure out where in the frum spectrum I wanted to be. I really think, at least thats how its has been for me, that community (and niche, i.e. "chassiddish") have a large influence in the realm of tnius as a mode of dress. For me personally, the reason I chose and have stayed with my current style is due to

1. being way more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have before,
2. finally choosing a niche/community within the frum world, and
3. getting married and having a baby (since I want to be a good example for my children).

The Tzniut Project 14: A Boost to My Jewish Identity

This is the fourteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader. 

---

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I'm hoping to convert to Orthodox Judaism as soon as I get the opportunity -- although like you, Chavi, I'm not fond of labels. I wish we could all be "just Jewish." However, Jews like to classify themselves into different categories in order to distinguish between their worldviews, so I guess I'd say I tend to lean more toward the Modern Orthodox/Religious Zionist philosophy on many issues -- but I wouldn't limit myself to it a priori. I'm still learning, and God willing, have a conversion and a lifetime of Judaism to look forward to. I want to be a Torah-observant Jew -- but what kind, or 'flavour,' of Judaism will appeal to me most some years down the line, I do not know.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
No -- although the women in my family have always had sort of a classic, lady-like style, and my mother never to my memory wore anything short, she did and still does wear low-cut tops. Now that I am choosing to cover up, my mother and grandmother are very alarmed by my choice of clothing and think it's very strange that somebody so young would want to dress like an "old lady." They keep telling me that if I dress like this now, by the time I reach their age I will wish to dress more provocatively and will want to feel attractive and have people look at me, but will no longer be able to afford it. We have endless arguments about this.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am not, but when I do marry, I imagine I will want my husband to care about his wife dressing modestly but without trying to explicitly control what I do and don't wear.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
I wear skirts below the knee (or at least cover the middle of my knee), and I really like long maxi skirts in summer. On top I'd typically wear a shell with some nice sleeveless shirt over it. Sometimes I also wear shirts up to a tefach [hands-breadth] above my elbow -- to be honest I'd rather not, but I guess when I do this my mother, who I still live with, feels kind of reassured that I'm wearing 'normal' clothes again. I prefer shirts to cover my collarbone, but most often have trouble finding those in shops, so I go for the next best thing -- just below the collarbone.

At the moment I don't dress much differently on Shabbos, partly because I have noone to spend it with -- although I realise that's hardly an excuse; partly because the people at my shul are very secular and don't dress any differently on Shabbos either; and partly because most days I like to dress "smartly" anyway, so there wouldn't be much of a difference.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
Apart from my parents, I haven't heard anyone comment on what I wear so far, although I do often get the impression people think I'm weird. At my school girls my age wear jeans, miniskirts, T-shirts and sneakers, and whenever there is a formal school event, they wear short low-cut dresses -- so I do kind of stand out. On the other hand, I've heard people over the age of 40 and 50 comment that I dress "smart" and "fancy" -- which is sweet, although I'm not sure what to make of the age group factor!

As I said, the people at my shul are secular -- so I'm the only one there who dresses modestly, apart from another woman who has recently been making an effort, too. Sometimes I find myself worrying about what they think of me -- do they think I'm trying to be "more Jewish" than them, while not actually being Jewish? I constantly have to remind myself that I do what I do for myself, and not for anybody else, so I shouldn't care what other people, Jewish or non-Jewish, think.

On the other hand, when we have Orthodox people visit our shul from elsewhere, I've noticed they automatically single me out due to the fact that I'm dressed like them, and they start talking to me -- while most of the other women in the community somehow don't speak to them, continuing to talk amongst themselves. I sometimes feel like a bridge between my community and the more religious visitors.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
Not really -- on the contrary, I've had secular Jews try to badmouth Orthodoxy to me, talking in a way as if they thought I knew nothing about it, even though I was sitting in front of them in a long skirt and long sleeves on a hot summer day.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
When I see people wearing very revealing and tight-fitting clothing, honestly, I do sometimes judge, although I know I shouldn't. I try to keep in mind that many of them are dressed like that simply due to a genuine lack of awareness of the impact of the way we dress on the way people perceive us, on the opposite gender, and ultimately, on our spiritual wellbeing. Sometimes I'm on a bus and I see a girl enter in very skimpy shorts, and then I see the way all the men look her up and down while she's paying the fare. I think it's disgusting, and in this case I pity the girl rather than judge her.

When I see people dressed more modestly than myself, I sometimes feel a little inferior, and wonder if my own standards are too lax. Where I live there are a lot of African refugees, and the Muslim women from countries like Sudan, Eritrea, etc., only ever wear floor-length skirts, and I've noticed they wear tights or socks so their feet are always completely covered too. I find this admirable considering the boiling summer climate -- and often wonder whether when they see me they judge me the way I sometimes can't help but judge the girls in tiny miniskirts -- I hope not!

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
First and foremost dignity and self-respect, expressed through moderation in everything -- dress, speech, overall behaviour. The way we dress and our manners should reflect who we are on the inside, our inner beauty. Observing tzniut means allowing ourselves to be valued for who we are and what we do, rather than for outward appearances. I also think it's in the interests of every woman (and man, but I feel women are more endangered in this sense) not to be objectified.

Tzniut to me also includes what I watch on telly, which websites I browse, what I do in my free time. For instance, I'd never be caught dead in a pub or nightclub -- even though most of my peers love partying, I've always felt out of place in that kind of culture, for as long as I can remember.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
I feel tzniut has given a boost to my Jewish identity -- even though I'm not Jewish officially. When I look different and feel different from those around me, I am reminded of why I do it -- and although at times it can be tough feeling so out of place, at the end of the day I feel proud of who I am and what I do. The constant criticism from my parents and secular society and the fact that I am able to withstand it give me strength, courage and hope that one day I will be a Jew.