Let's Bring Back: M-Z

Welcome to Part Two of a two-part installment on the book, "Let's Bring Back: An Encyclopedia of Forgotten-Yet-Delightful, Chic, Useful, Curious, and Otherwise Commendable Things from Times Gone By" by Lesley M.M. Blume. The first part, letters A-L can be found here. This installment includes the letters M-Z.

What's this all about? This is an entire book devoted essentially to kitsch, the days of yore, and traditions and ways of living that are lost on many of us today. The great thing about the book, however, is that I realized that many of the things that Blume longs for are things that are alive and well in the Jewish world. Blume lists a variety of things from A to Z with quirky notes about each. Here are my notes to sort of "respond" to her quips on these lost arts/items/ideas/words/foods.

Marzipan Eggs on Toast, anyone?

• Maps | Okay, I'm not saying this is a hard-and-fast rule, but I'm guessing there are more Jews with maps than non-Jews with maps. Why? Let's say you're discussing something on Shabbat and trying to prove where Nebraska is. You need a map. Technology on Shabbat is a no-no!
• Marzipan Fruit | Have you been to a kosher confectioner? Give OhNuts.com a try. They sell them in all sorts of fun fruit shapes and others, too!
• "Mind Your Own Beeswax" | Please don't tell me I'm the only person who still says this ...
• The Moon | The great thing about the moon in Judaism is that we get to sort of honor it every month. It's phases are important to our calendar. The moon isn't dead in Judaism. It's crazy important.
• Naps | I don't think these are dead for anyone, but the Shabbat nap is a highly usual occurrence (nay, requirement) for Jews everywhere. 
• Newspapers | Again, I would venture to guess that, along with paper books, newspaper subscriptions are high among Jews who observe Shabbat. How else is my husband going to find out who won the Yankees game?
• Porcelain Skin | If there's one thing I'm incredibly proud of, it's my pasty-white skin. I'm not going to lie, in the Jewish community, the un-tanned skin is more the norm than not. It's the stereotype, after all, that Ashkenazi Jews are pale white skinned and curly black haired. Unless, of course, you live in certain parts of Jersey. 
• Postcards | These, surely, are not dead. I just mailed some from Israel! Come on, now.
• Separate Ovens | I haven't seen these in a ton of kitchens, but I think if they're alive and well anywhere, it's the Jewish kitchen. My husband's grandmother has two ovens in her kitchen (although they're both meat), and I think it's brilliant. I'd kill for a two-oven'd kitchen!
• Simple Wedding Rings | Required by law, Jewish wedding bands have to be simple. No jewels, no engravings, nothing. Of course, you can go all out for your engagement ring, but I know plenty of ladies who don't have engagement rings, just the wedding band. 
• Turbans | I insist you walk around Monsey, NY. 

Then, of course, there are those things that I also lament the loss of, including ...

• Milk Toast | Okay, I've never even heard of milk toast, but it sounds easy enough. Ingredients: 1 cup whole milk, 2 slices white bread, butter, sugar, and nutmeg. Directions: Butter the bread. Put in a heavy skillet over medium heat and toast until light to medium brown. (Could you just toast it in the toaster?) Heat milk in a small pan on low heat. Do not boil. Put toast on a plate, sprinkle well with sugar and a couple dashes of nutmeg. Pour hot milk over toast.
• Murphy Beds | So, I once lived in some apartments above a Spaghetti restaurant in Lincoln, Neb. They were lovingly called the "Spaghetti Works Aparments," and every studio apartment (which was all of them) had a murphy bed (that's the kind you pull down from the wall). A lot of the apartments' mattresses and murphy beds were removed and/or nasty, but mine was amazing. I slept on that bed with pride for an entire year. I truly adore the Murphy Bed -- in small spaces, it's the only answer. 
• Poetry | Is it really dead? I don't think so. I feel like all the signs point to me picking poetry back up. After all, I once-upon-a-time was a Slam Poet.
• Reporter's Notebooks | Gone the way of reporters, I fear. 
• Scarves in Dressing Rooms | This is probably the coolest thing I've never even heard of. According to Blume, "Elegant retailers used to have a silk scarf hanging in each dressing room; you'd put it over your head as you tried on clothing, to protect your  hair and makeup and keep your lipstick from soiling the clothes." Of course, with things like bed bugs running rampant, I can see how this isn't so practical. 
• Sealing Wax | I've been tempted to buy one of those envelope sealing kits for a long time. I saw some at Barnes & Noble during the holidays, but, alas, held back. 
• Tailoring | If there's one thing I can recommend y'all look into, it's a tailor. I had one for my wedding dress and another formal dress I have, and she worked amazing wonders. In fact, if you're in the West Orange area, tell Melize Couture I sent you! But seriously, buy something you love, and then get it tailored. It's so worth it. 
• Telegrams | One of my favorite family heirloom items is all of the telegrams my grandparents sent back and forth while my grandfather was stationed in France during WWII. They are truly prized and one-of-a-kind items. So why not revive the telegram culture over at Telegram Stop (I sent a friend one recently!). 
• Themed Rooms | Back in college, in the honors dorm, we had a big room called the "Blue Room," because it was ridiculously blue. There was also the "Sunroom," which I dubbed "The Great Gatsby Room" because it made me feel very light and period-piece. Everyone should have a themed room ... because "dining room" and "living room" are just lame. 
• Thick Walls | Because hearing our neighbors yell "Here comes the choo choo!" isn't my idea of a good time. 
• Ziggurats | Okay, this one just gave me a laugh. Think about the last time the Israelites made one of these. How will did that go? 

Oh, and then there are things I am glad are dead, like

• Phone Conversations | Today, I got so flummoxed during a phone call that I wished the person on the other end a "good weekend." It's Tuesday. I hate the phone. I always have. I'm horribly phone shy. And by that, I mean I get anxiety about making a phone call. Am I nuts? Probably, but I surmise that at the advent of the telephone, I probably would have run for the hills and not returned until the creation of the internet. 

With that, I guarantee you, this is not even a sampling ... this book is huge and full of soo many laughable and interesting goodies. So, to finish off this awesome book that I insist you go buy, I give you a quote of wits (one of the Blume's laments that is lost) from Oscar Wilde that couldn't be more witty or accurate!

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

Let's Bring Back: A-L

I recently finished reading a book that probably wasn't meant to be read straight-through. The book, "Let's Bring Back: An Encyclopedia of Forgotten-Yet-Delightful, Chic, Useful, Curious, and Otherwise Commendable Things from Times Gone By" by Lesley M.M. Blume, was so absolutely amazing, however, that I couldn't not read the entire thing from A to Z in two quick sittings. I mean, it's an entire book devoted essentially to kitsch, the days of yore, and traditions and ways of living that are lost on many of us today.

The great thing about the book, however, is that I realized that many of the things that Blume longs for are things that are alive and well in the Jewish world. Blume lists a variety of things from A to Z with quirky notes about each. Here are my notes to sort of "respond" to her quips on these lost arts/items/ideas/words/foods. This will be the first of a two-part installment, and it will include letters A-L. Tune in for the next installment, letters M-Z.

• Bathing Costumes and Caps | What Orthodox Jewish women wear surely are costumes, and caps are necessary. Check out Aqua Modesta. 
• Beards | I think beards are disproportionately present on Jewish men, not merely on the Orthodox. 
• Berets | Hello! CoverYourHair.com anyone? Winter headgear for Orthodox Jews everywhere?
• Books | Shabbat is good for one thing, no matter how observant you are: Reading actual books. Those paper things that are bound, you know? That you buy on Amazon.com, or, better yet, a brick-and-mortar store. 
• Bread | Shabbat means challah. The two are synonymous. Thus, bread is still alive and well in the Jewish community! No "parole" needed. My stand-by recipe can be found here. 
• Cold Fruit Soup | I will need more than my two hands to count how many fruit soups I was served at Shabbat meals over the summer. It's the quintessential substitution on a hot night!
• Crumpets | Have you not been to Trader Joe's lately? I lament that my gluten-free-ness keeps me from being able to eat the delicious crumpets they have at Trader Joe's. They're so good. And? They're kosher!
• Door-to-Door Peddlers | Do schnorrers count? 
• Dressing Up | Luckily, I get to dress up every week, once a week. It's called Shabbat, and I get gussied up for dinner in my finest attire and shoes. It's an excuse, sure, but it's a good one.
• Evening Strolls | I actually know quite a few couples who use their return from a Shabbat meal as their "evening stroll" time. In the spring, I know plenty of folks who take the kids out and go for a walk, as well. 
• Feasts | Blume says, "A cultivated approach to gluttony." I say, "Shabbat." (Or, at least, Shavuot.)
• Formality | Once upon a time we went to a shul. Tuvia didn't have a suit jacket. They required a suit jacket to even stand on the bima, so he had to borrow one in order to do his duties with the Torah. That was seriously formal business. 
• Gossip | I'm not trying to make a statement about Jewish folks in general ... but ... there's a reason we talk so much about lashon hara and how naughty it is, right?
• Grocers | Being kosher means needing a specific type of meat, butchered in a specific way, not to mention cheeses and a host of other goodies that sometimes you just can't find at Big Box Superstore. Thus, the Jewish grocery is alive and well. Here in Teaneck there are three of them, and they're all small, cute, and crowded as all get out on Friday morning.
• Hat Boxes | Another necessity of the Jewish variety. Hat boxes double as wig boxes, sometimes, but men schlep their hats from here to Vilna and back. 
• Hats | They're pervasive in the Orthodox community, and your hat says a lot about who you are. Is this a good thing? Probably not. It's funny how the costume can make the man (or woman) in Orthodox Judaism.
• Head Scarves | Welcome to "Being an tzniut Jewish Woman 101." You'll own too many of them and then wonder why every corner of your bedroom has been taken over by them. 

Then, of course, there are those things that I equally lament the loss of, including 

It might taste good, but how's the ambiance?

• CBGB | Luckily, I swung by here shortly before they closed. However, I didn't go in ... 
• Coffeehouse Culture | I miss the Coffee House in Lincoln, Neb., desperately. Starbucks is not a "coffee house" folks. My shop in Nebraska had couches and rickety chairs and a chalkboard in the women's bathroom. It was dark and dingy and perfect.
• Courtship | Once upon a time, I did get mixtapes from my significant others. It was romantic and cheesy, but I was happy.
• Divinity | This amazing treat is ... amazing. I'm going to have to make some, stat. Luckily, Blume provides the recipe! Curious about what divinity is? Try this recipe. 
• Dumbwaiters | Along with Laundry Shoots, I can't figure out why on earth we would have dispensed of such an awesome household feature. Life was easier once up on a time ... 
• External Kitchens | This would have been the perfect solution to the Passover Kitchen issue. No need to clean ... just head to the external kitchen!
• Fountain Pens | I really want one of these ... really. I saw a kit at Barnes & Noble, but then I thought "it's probably cheap and won't be the 'real deal'," so I opted out of the purchase.
• Green Accountant Visors | I'm thinking about procuring one for Tuvia. And the five million other Jewish accountants with whom we're friends.
• Journalism | Not much to say here. I have a Bachelor's in Journalism. I suppose it garnered me the ability to write and edit ... but the real stuff? Long dead.
• Love Letters | I used to write them. I used to get them. But that was when I was a love-struck teenager and college kid. Someone should teach husbands how to write them. 

Also, a serious hat tip to the inclusion of such gems as the Original Girl Scout Cookie Recipe (p. 98 | yes, it was once upon a time just a one-cookie recipe and not Samoas and Thin Mints). I'm also giddy with excitement about the recipe for a Grasshopper (p. 102), which is my all-time favorite alcoholic drink.

Stay tuned, y'all, for the next installment: Let's Bring Back: M-Z

I warn you, this post is full of snark.

A hearty mazel tov to Germany on their new citizenship exam!

But, well, let's just say that the region has still not healed and/or come to terms with the Holocaust. How's this evident? Well, the new citizenship test displays 320 questions on German history and society, and not once is the Holocaust mentioned. Because, well, you know, the Holocaust just never happened and definitely has nothing to do with Germany, right!?

What's more, on the question of which religion most influenced European and German culture, among the possible answers are Hinduism, Christianity, Buddhism and Islam -- but no Judaism. Peculiar? Yes, yes I think so. It's sort of big doins, especially in Germany, right? But the questionnaire does proffer questions about Germany's Christian heritage, such as asking what the last four weeks before Christmas are called. (Is this common knowledge? Because, well, I just don't know.)

At any rate, if you're planning on becoming a German citizen, this test will become the standard across the board beginning September 1. Way to wave that flag of cultural insensitivity, Germany! Someday you'll make amends with the past and move along in an adult, mature, sensible, culturally sensitive fashion.

Until then? Well, I bite my thumb in your general direction.

Here's to you, for the guilt and the pleasure of us all.

I've fallen in love with something, and I have to tell you all about it. You have to find it, you have to buy it, you have to throw yourself into its pages and take a hold of your inner, literary Jew.

The publication? Guilt and Pleasure.

I discovered the quarterly while perusing the website for my favorite local diner/swanky restaurant, Eleven City Diner. They just revamped the website, and I discovered the link to the website. I thought that it was only online, of course, since they have links to all the articles in the recent edition. Then when Ian and I were at the diner getting some dinner, as we were walking out, I always like to stop and check out the Israeli Bazooka gum, imported grape juice and other goods, and I spotted it! Up on a shelf between two issues of HEEB magazine, there it was! Of course, not the most recent issue, but the "Health" issue, complete with pictures of "snowbirds" from South Beach donning bikinis and looking particularly ... leathery.

Now, the moment I started reading it, I was I love. I thought "This is what HEEB wants to be, but it's not." The articles are smart, funny, real. One of the favorites I've read so far is about a Jewish fellow who is 6'3" by all measurements, but appears as only a tall 5-footer, since he slouches so much. He goes into the history of anti-Semitic rantings about Jews with hunchbacks, citing historic works and popular fiction, including "Young Frankenstein." I finished the piece and was struck by how hilarious, smart, and outstandingly Jewish it was.

This is the magazine/journal that was made for me!

On the website you can find podcasts, including one with Shalom Auslander, the author of "Foreskin's Lament," which high on my list of must-reads. The website also links to Reboot and Reboot Stereophonic. From what I can tell, the former is the brainchild of the Guilt and Pleasure and the other project. The latter is a project that seeks to take old music and bring a new listen to it.

I'm still exploring all the websites, but there's so many interesting, fascinating, smart and quality things to be had. One interesting thing spotted on the site that I plan on delving into is a piece from Time Magazine's cover from April 10, 1972: What it Means to be Jewish ~ The Jews: Next Year in Which Jerusalem?